Itlookedlikeabeautifulpalaceoraverybighotel. Butitwasn’tmadeofstone;itwasmadeofclouds:immense, milky-whiteclouds. WhenIreachedthedoors, theyopenedautomatically;butperhapstheyfloatedopen-Ican’tsay.
Ienteredanenormoushall. ItwassohighandsowidethatIfeltdizzy. ItseemedthatIwasstandingonair. Abrightlight-likesunlightbutnotsunlight-reflectedfromthewallsofcloud-orweretheymadeofsnow?Then, farawayontheothersideofthehall, Isawsomebodybehindalargereceptiondesk.
‘Thisislikeahotel, ‘IthoughtasIwalkedtowardsit. ‘Butwhatahotel!It’sbeautiful!Thismustbeheaven. ‘
ItwasalongwalkbutIwassmilingtomyselfalltheway. Ifeltveryhappynow. Ithought, youtriedtobeagoodpersonallyourlife. Youalwaysdidyourbesttohelppeople, todogoodthings, andtoloveyourneighbour. Youalwaysknewthatyouwouldgotoheaven. Andnowhereyouare!
Yes, IfeltsohappythatIwantedtosing. IthinkIdidsing!Quietly, ofcourse. Ididn’twanttodisturbthepeaceandsilenceofheaven. Istoppedatthereceptiondeskwhereamanofaboutforty-fivewaswaitingforme. Heworeagreensuitofshinymaterial, likeplastic, andabeautifulgoldencloak. Helookedupatme.
‘Name?’
Itoldhim. Hefounditonacomputer.
‘Weneedsomedetailsaboutyou, ‘hesaid. ‘Whenwereyouborn?’
Itoldhim.
‘Whendidyoudie?Theexacttime, please. ‘
‘Earlythismorning, Ithink. About5. 30. ButI’mnotsureaboutitbecauseIwasdead. ‘Ismiled.
Thereceptionistlookedatmecoldly. HewasEnglish. Calm, polite.
‘Occupation?’
Itoldhim. Thenhewanteddetailsaboutmyfamilyandfriends, myhabits, myfavouritefoodinfact, everythingaboutmylife. Itwaslikeaninterrogation. ButIfeltveryrelaxedandfriendly. Iwantedtohaveachat.
‘Wonderfulplaceyou’vegothere!’Ibegan. ‘It’sexactlyasIimaginedit. ‘
Themandidn’tevenlookatme. ‘Imaginedwhat, mayIask?’
‘Heavenofcourse!I’mveryhappytobehere. There’sonlyonebadthing:allmybestfriendswillbeinhell. ‘AndIlaughedatthisbadjoke.
‘Thisisnotheaven, sir, ‘themansaid, verypolitebutcold. ‘Thisisonlyreception. ‘
Iwasshocked. ‘Butitmustbeheaven!’
‘Whymustit?’
‘Because…because…well, you’veheardthedetailsofmylife. Imean, I’vealwaysbeenagoodmanandifyou’regood, you’llgotoheaven, butifyou’re…’
‘Everybodysaysthat, sir, ‘themaninterrupted. ‘Iknowyouallthinkthatonearth, butwehaveadifferentlogichere-forpracticalreasons. Thinkoftheproblemsifgoodpeoplealwaysgotoheavenandbadpeoplealwaysgotohell. Therewillbeveryfewpeopleinheavenandtoomanypeopleinhell. Thereisn’tenoughroominhell. Sowehaveamorepracticalsystem. Everybodymusttakehisorherchance. ‘
‘Chance?Whatdoyoumean?’Iwasbeginningtofeelabitfrightened.
Atthatmomentthecomputerbuzzedandapieceofpapercameout.
‘Here’syourreceptionform, sir. Andthisisyourgreencard. Gothroughthedoorsbehindmeandwalkalongtheroad. Youwillseetwolargegates.
Infrontofthemaresomeslotmachines. Insertyourgreencardintotheleft-handslotandyouwillseetwodiceinthedisplaywindow. Pullthehandleandwhenthedicestop, themachinewilldeliverawhitecardforanynumberfromonetosixandablackcardforanynumberfromseventotwelve.
Thewhitecardopensthegateontheright, theblackcardopenstheleft. Theleftgoestohell, therighttoheaven. ‘
Icouldn’tbelievemyearsandIjuststaredathim. ThenIbecameangry.
‘Butthat’snotfair!’Ishouted.
‘It’sasfairaswecanmakeit, sir. ‘
‘Butit’sjustchance!Luck!Accident!It’salottery!’Yes, sir. Butit’sGod’sordersandwecan’tchangeit. ‘
‘God’sorders!’Ishouted, furious. ‘ButitmeansthatJacktheRipper, forexample, couldbeinheaven!’
‘JacktheRipper?I’veheardthenamebefore. Letmesee. ‘
Thereceptionistopenedalargefile. ‘Yes, JacktheRipper. Hearrivedaboutahundredearthyearsago. Idon’trememberverywellbutIthinkhewasquitepleasedwithoursystem. ‘
‘I’msurehewas!’Isaidangrily. ‘AndI’msurehewenttoheaven!’ThenIlookedquicklyattheclerk. ‘Well?Didhe?’
‘Ican’ttellyouthat, sir. Yousee, wedon’tknow. Nobodyknows. It’sGod’ssecret. ‘
‘God’ssecret?’Icried, ‘OhGod, no, no!I’mnotgoingtospendeternitywithJacktheRipper. It’snotfair!’AndIstampedmyfootonthefloorlikeanangrychild.
‘Youmusttakeyourchancelikeeverybodyelse, sir, ‘themansaidcoldly.
‘Butdon’tyouunderstand?AllmylifeItriedtobeagoodman!’
Themanlookedembarrassed. ‘I’msorrybutthatisnotrelevanttothelawsoftheuniverse. ‘
‘Whatlaws?Whatdoyoumean?’
‘IfIrememberwell, therewasaMrAlbertEinsteinwhoarrivedaboutfortyyearsago. Hewasagoodmantoo, Ibelieveand, likeyou, hewasveryupsetbyoursystem. Hecouldn’tacceptit. Hesaidthathedidn’tbelievethatGodplaysdice. ItoldhimthatGodcertainlyplaysdiceandthatitwasthefundamentalrealityoftheuniverse. Yes, MrEinsteinwasveryunhappyaboutthatbecausehehadhelpedtodiscoverit-sohesaid. ‘
Ididn’tanswer;Iwastooupsetspeak. Itooktheformandthegreencardandwalkedquicklytothedoorsbehindthereceptiondesk. Theyfloatedopen.
Therewasalongroadinfrontofme. InthedistanceIcouldseetwoenormousgates, onewhite, oneblack. Theyweremadeofbeautifulheavycrystalglassthatshonelikejewellery.
Iwalkedalongtheroad. Itwasverysilent. Oneachsideofmeweregreatcloudsthattrembledandchangedinasoftwind. Eventhelightseemedtochangefrombrightnesstoshadowandbackagain.
Icametothegates. WhenIlookedattheblackgateontheleft, myheartstopped. Whatwasbehindit?Whowasbehindit?ThenIlookedatthegateonmyrightandtrembled. Whoorwhatwasbehindheaven’sgate?Iinsertedmygreencardinoneoftheslotmachines. Therewasabuzzingsoundandthedisplaywindowshowedtwodice. Myhandwentuptopullthehandle.
‘Notyet, notyet!’Isaidtomyself. ‘Iwanttothink. Iwanttositdownandwaitabit. Iwanttotakemytime. ‘SoIsatontheroadandbegantotalktomyself. ‘Oh, thisisterrible!
Ineversmoked, Ineverdrank, Inevergambled, Ineverstoleanymoney, Ineverhurtanybody…OfcourseIwascarefulaboutmyhealthandIlookedaftermymoneylikeeverybodyelse. Iwasn’tstupid!Butnow…!Icouldbewiththieves, murderers-politicians!-fortherestofeternity. It’sreallyterrible!’
AndsoIsatthereandtalkedlikealunatic. SometimesIlookedatthehandleoftheslotmachinewhichwaswaitingforme, andItrembled.
‘Well, it’sbettertobeinheavenevenifJacktheRipperisthere. Peoplesaythatheavenisabeautifulplace. Oh, God, dearGod, pleaseletmegetawhitecard!’
SoIprayedforawhitecardandafterawhileIfeltmuchbetter, moreoptimistic. IfeltthatGodwasonmyside. Istoodup, walkedtothemachineandpulledthehandledownquickly. Thedicebegantospin. Iclosedmyeyes;openedthem. Thefirstdicestoppedatnumbertwo. Myheartbeatfastwithhope. Thentheseconddicecame. Five. Silence. Thenlikeaphotofromapolaroidcamerathecardcameout. Itwasblack. Ifainted.
WhenIopenedmyeyesagain, Isatstillforalongtime. Hottearsfilledmyeyes. Iwasgoingtohell!
‘Iknewit, Iknewit!’Icried. ‘I’vealwaysbeenunlucky!’
ButwhatcouldIdo?Ihadtoenterthedoorontheleft;Ihadtogotohell. Iinsertedmyblackcardintoaslotbythegate. Asitbegantoopenastrange, aromaticodourcameout. Iwentintoanothergreathallwithareceptiondeskatthefarend. Itwasalongwalk. Thewallsweremadeofblacksmokeandredflames. Behindthedesksataprettyyoungblondewoman. Shegavemeasweetsmile.
‘Hallo. MayIhaveyourreceptionform, please?’shesaidinafriendlyway.
Igavehertheformandshetypedtheinformationintoacomputer.
‘Whydoyoulooksodepressed?’sheaskedwithhersweetsmile. ‘You’realuckyman. ‘
Ilaughedbitterly. ‘Lucky?’
‘Here’syourroomkey, ‘shecontinued. ‘Wehopeyou’lllikeRoom206. You’llfindeverythinginorder-drinks, magazines, achangeofclothes, abottleofwine, andeverythingnecessaryforyourcomfort. Thereisareadinglounge, aswimmingpool, tenniscourts, andacardtable. Wehopethatyouwillenjoyyoureternity. ‘
Iwaswatchinghertoseeifshewasjokingbehindthatsweetsmile.
‘Thisishell, isit?’Iaskedinasarcasticvoice.
‘That’stheofficialname, yes. ButwecallitParadiseRegained. Isupposeyouthoughtitwouldbeaterribleplace, butthingshavechangedalot. We’vemadeitbetter. You’llsee.
‘Whoarewe?’
‘Oh, therearesomanygood, kindpeoplehere. Ican’trememberalltheirnames. Letmethink. Well, there’sanIndiangentleman, MrGandhi, andanursecalledFlorenceNightingale…’
‘Youmeanthosepeopleareallhere-inhell?’
‘Butit’snothellanymore. It’sthedice, yousee. ‘
‘Thedice?No, Idon’tsee. Pleaseexplain. ‘
‘Well, foralongtimealotofgoodpeoplescoredmorethansixandgotablackcard, sonowtherearemoregoodpeoplethanbadpeople. Thisdoesn’thappenoften, ofcourse;it’saveryunusualthinganditwillcertainlychangeagain. Thenwe’llgettheusualaverageofaboutfiftygood, fiftybad. ‘
Smiling, Isaid, ‘HasGodfixedthedice-forajokeorsomething?’
Shelookedabitshocked. ‘Ohno!I’msureGodisanhonestgambler. Ithappenedbyaccident. ‘
‘Hm. Well, let’ssayit’sanotheroneofGod’ssecrets-eh?’AndIgaveherabigwink. ‘WhataboutJacktheRipper?Ishehere?’
‘JacktheRipper…’Shelookedthroughherfile. ‘No, heisn’there. Hemustbeontheotherside-inheaven. ‘
Ilaughedandlaughed. ‘Andaretheyhavingabadtimethere?’
Thereceptionistsaidquietly, ‘Betweenyouandme, we’veheardthattheyarehavingalotoftroubleinheaven. ‘
Ilaughedagainandtearsofhappinesscameintomyeyes.
‘WelcometoParadiseRegained, ‘saidthewomanwithabigsweetsmile. ‘Haveaniceeternity!’
‘Thankyou. Thisplacelooksbetterthanearth…’
Atthatmomentanintercombuzzedandthewomananswered.
‘ReceptionThreespeaking. CanIhelpyou?’Asshelistenedherexpressionchanged. Itbecamedarkandanxious. ‘Oh, Isee. Thankyou, ReceptionOne. ‘Shewassilent.
‘Anythingwrong?’Iasked.
‘Well, asyouknow, thesituationonearthisveryturbulentatthemomentandalotofnewpeoplehavearrived. ReceptionOnesaysabigcrowdisalreadyatthedicemachine. ‘
‘Whoarethey?’Ihadabadfeelinginmystomach.
‘ReceptionOnesaysit’sagroupofterrorists, childkillers, Mafiosi, footballhooligans, drugbarons…’
‘Stop-pleasestop!’Ishouted.
‘Wecanonlyhopethatourluckcontinues, ‘shesaid. Hersweetsmilehadgone;shewaslookingattheentrancewithfrightenedeyes.
Icried, ‘PleaseGod, letthemallgotoheaven!Ipray, Ipray…!’
‘I’msorrybutprayingwon’thelp. Italldependsonthedice. ‘
‘Andthat’sGod’ssecret!’Isaid, laughingandcryingatthesametime.
Whilewewaited, thesilencewaslongandterrible.
